Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
