The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
