I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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