my soul wont recognize me after tonight
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
