You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
