I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
