i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Randomize
