Don't make out with my wife yet
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
