bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
