I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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