i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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