Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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