so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
they need to just BURY HIM!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
