One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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