OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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