she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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