Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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