For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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