We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
