i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
