Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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