Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
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