Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
