U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
