Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
