Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Randomize
