You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
