She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
he was CRYING into my vagina
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
