filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
