Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
