Whod you bang
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
