I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
