did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
