Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
