btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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