Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
