He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
