I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
