Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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