I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
