sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
