no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
