I'm jealous of your bromance
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
