Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
