last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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