This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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