If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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