you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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