Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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