very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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