I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
